Wednesday, April 1, 2015

Someday.


The moment, and I mean the very instant, I became a mom, I got it. I finally understood– I understood my mom, my parents; the all-encompassing love, the fear… I just finally got it.  This kind of love, it is impossible to explain, you just have to feel it to know it.

 


So, my dear girls, this is for you. And someday, if you choose to become a mommy (and oh babies, I hope you do) you'll understand too...
 

You'll know why I inhale your smell, like my life depends on it, every time I kiss the top of your head.

 


You'll understand the pit in my stomach when I first hear your cry in the middle of the night, and then, the way that pit completely evaporates the moment I scoop you up and you rest your head on my shoulder.

You'll understand the notes of encouragement I have taped to my mirror that helped get me through 11 months of waking every 2 hours with you. And you'll understand why, even when you (finally!) started sleeping through the night, I still didn't-- and I probably never will again.

You'll understand why remembering your birth will bring me to tears at any moment of any day for the rest of time.


You'll understand why sometimes, just sometimes, I lock the door when I finally get a shower--and then feel guilty about it when I hear you on the other side of the door.


You'll know why, when you take my hand, press your face to my palm and close your eyes, I feel just as comforted as you do.

 
 
 
 



You'll understand why my greatest fear is losing you. 
 
                   And that my second is leaving you too soon.


You'll understand how I dread, to my very bones, the first time you feel you aren't good enough, pretty enough, or smart enough-- and how I'll convince you that you absolutely ARE.





You'll understand why my eyes well with tears as you tell a ridiculously wonderful story that is, at times, nearly impossible to understand through your lisp.


You'll finally understand why it’s so important to me that you eat dinner-- and why occasionally I give in to the feeling of failure that brings on tears after your millionth refusal to take one bite.

Also, why you can't eat chicken nuggets every night. 


You'll understand why I walk around the house like a stealth ninja navigating an active mine field when you and your sister are asleep.



You'll know the exhaustion of the repetition of every day; the dishes, the meals, the laundry, the required patience – lather, rinse, repeat. And sometimes it will get the best of you, but always, you wouldn't change it for the world.


You'll know your baby has a fever simply by kissing her forehead, and your heart will sink. 



You'll understand why, since your birth, my prayers have become more of a silent plea, a sort of hostage negotiation with God, begging Him with all my might to keep you safe, protected, and healthy all your long and happy life.




 
And you'll understand why I often look at you in heart swelling, utter disbelief-- disbelief that you are mine and disbelief that I am lucky enough to be yours.
 

My dear girls, you are my greatest gift. And you’ll understand why someday.


 
 
 

6 comments:

  1. Such beautiful words! This is exactly how being a mom feels, thank you for putting it into concrete sentences :)
    Whitney

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  2. What a beautiful post! You captured exactly what it feels like to be a mom. Thanks for sharing!
    Found you through the Little Things link up,
    Amber at OurCharmedLife.net

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  3. Emily!! I didn't know you were in the blogging world! This - this is so beautiful, so resoundingly true for us mamas :) Thank you for being brave enough to share your heart like this - gives me a little extra courage b/c I've been tossing around the idea of doing the same, sometimes lol. You are amazing!

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  4. Emily!!! I didn't know you were in the blogging world! This - this is beautiful, and so resoundingly true for us mamas. Thank you for being so brave to share your heart like this - it gives me a little extra courage b/c I've been pondering doing something similar, sometimes lol ;) You are amazing!

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  5. Beautiful! So proud of you for putting your thoughts into a blog lovingly and so well-written!

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